Been MIA lately

A good friend of mine suggested I chill. No weighing, no blogging, no whining.

  I was getting so obsessed with "the number" and letting myself get depressed. So.... I had the hubby hide the scale and haven't asked for it back. I do admit though.. I could not go completely cold turkey. I do weigh myself every morning on the Wii. But the difference is that it is only one time a say, and I truly am not living or dying by what that number is.

 And.... my weight has been going down

 I found a good circuit training class at my local rec center. I have only been there once, since I started a temp job right after I found it. The job is over tomorrow, so I plan on doing that 2 times a week when I am free again.

 I am drinking my water, but not so good with my vitamins . I need to work on that.

 All in all.I'm doing pretty well and am fairly happy.

Finally ditched the scale

I am scale free now. I cannot begin to express what a weight that is off my shoulders. I was really letting the number on that stupid thing control my life. I knew something had to change when I went to my support group and got so depressed I left before it even began.

I was sitting there listening to everyone talking. Hearing things like: "I'm a month out and I've lost 41 pounds" and one woman telling another how the shirt she was wearing that day used to be too small to wear, and that it was actually loose now, and how happy she was. I was just sitting there and tears started rolling down my face. I knew I couldn't stay. I got up and told the girl running it (while sobbing hysterically) that I couldn't stay.

The next day I asked Ron to hide the scale (he had hid it before... but not very well. Then one day it just showed up again... and stayed). The next day it was still there. So I asked him, again. The next day it was still there. I waited another 2 days and told him the day before garbage day "I swear to God, I am going to take that lying piece of electronic crap and throw it off the deck" His answer? "Just don't step on it". Really???? If only I had thought of that... if only it were that easy... if only pigs could fly. I told him that I was going to take it out and throw it in the garbage (and he knew I would do it... then go out and buy another expensive one to replace it). So..... he took it downstairs and that's the last I saw of it.

What a relief.

I have been weighing myself on the Wii every couple of days. But, it is so great not to have that obsession to step on the scale 10 times (minimum) a day. It's so terrible to have something as stupid as an inanimate object like a scale rule your life.

Oh well, I am an addict. A food addict. That was just another part of my addiction. Never seen a scales anonymous meeting begin offered though. Hmmmmm, pity.

I have actually lost a bit since the great banishment of the scale, I'm quite happy to say. Other than that just keepin on keepin on.

Later....

Had my 3 month appointment

I don't know why I am suprised, I expected them to say just what they said: "You are doing fine, you are losing weight at a good pace" Really?????? 20 pounds in 3 months is a good pace?? I would soooo hate to see a bad pace. Of course, they are counting in the 7 pounds I lost pre op. I am not.

I am a bit peeved. Before surgery I asked both the surgeon and the nurse who heads the bariatric program if my previous surgery was going to affect my weight loss. They both told me no. I was told the normal, expected rate of loss is 3-5 pounds a week. Now, of course, since I am losing so slow the story has changed. Now it's: "Well, with a revision you do not lose as quickly. Generally after a revision you lose 1-2 pounds a week"

WTF???? Are ya kidding me??? I know it is wrong to think this way, but all I can think of is the $10,000 co-pay. At this point I am at $500 a pound.

On the somewhat positive side, all my blood tests came back perfect. In a year and a day my total cholesterol went from 256 to 119!!!


Here are my numbers:


Test 3/15/2011 11/15/2011 3/16/2012
---------------------------------------------------------------
Cholesterol 256 175 119
HDL 48 54 50
LDL 160 82 49
Triglyceride 240 199 103
Cholesterol, non-HDL 208 121 69


So, at least that is a good thing.

Just have to hang on in and believe it will happen..... right?

Later....

Hanging in

I'm finally done with jury duty. It took 2 1/2 weeks. It was a civil case, so there was no clear cut winner. No guilty or innocent. We ended up awarding a total of 1.6 million to ne of the sides. WOW.... 1.6 million. I could have all the plastic surgeries I wanted... and so could hundreds of my closest friends!!!! 1.6 sounds like a lot... but they were asking for over 8.

Anyway. Still frustrated. Still not losing. I will lose a pound or two, then gain it back the next day or two. I don't know what to do. I am doing everything I should. I am exercising, eating right, taking my vitamins and drinking my water.

500 calories did not work for me. All it did was mess up my blood pressure.

800 calories has not been working. All I have been doing is yo-yo'ing in my weight.

1000 may do the trick.... if I can manage to get that much in. It seems my restriction has finally started. I have something small to eat (or, in the case the last couple of days, a protien drink) and I am so not hungry again. It is getting to be a challenge to get in all my water. I am so full I feel like I will barf if I drink my water.

Right now I am going to try to stick to 2-3 protein drinks a day (trying to get near 100 grams of protein) and perhaps 1 small meal (though I may have to stick it in my ear to get it in. LOL ;)

Hoping this works. Everyone keeps assuring me the weight will come off. I'm not so sure.

All I can keep thinking is that I am paying $500 a pound at this point.

I know it's ridiculous to feel this way at 11 weeks out, but I already feel like a failure.

Guess I just gotta keep on keepin on.

Later....

Jury duty sucks

I got called for jury duty. I never get out of it. I have been called 4 times and chosen 4 times. I am beginning to believe the saying of "Why would you trust your life to 12 people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty?" was written for me.

Sadly, I never get on exciting cases... and this one is no different. It is a civil case. It is about 10 days long. Sittng in court all day is just killing me. Number 1... it's boring as heck. Number 2.... NO exercise. I gained 5 pounds last week. I have been doing so-so with my food and eating. I mix up a protein drink in the morning (8 oz skim milk and 2 scoops of protein powder) and take it with me. I drink it on breaks. I also make sure I get my water in throughut the day. I was bad one or three days though, when it came to lunch. The first day I went to Panera Bread. Got a yummy bread bowl of french onion soup. It was soooo good. I'm sure that is where the weight gain started.... all that sodium and fat in it. The next day I was better. I brought my lunch and had them lock me in the jury room (not allowed to wander in the back halls, you need to be escorted) it was nice, I was able to eat in peace, read my book, use the potty and talk on the phone to friends. The next day, I had a terrible craving for Subway. Went and got a foot long Chicken bacon sub. Got a small amount of ranch on it as well as their sweet onion sauce. It was really yummy. I made the mistake of eating almost a full half of it. I was so afraid I was going to barf it up once we got back into court. Luckily, I didn't. The next day I finished the other half of the sub (though I didn't eat any of the bread this time.)

So, there was no court for us on Friday and Monday is a holiday, so I figure (and am hoping) that by the time I go back to court on Tuesday I will have lost all the weight I gained last week.

And..... while we are on that subject.... riddle me this: How the heck can someone who is only taking in 600 calories or so a day and only absorbing probably half of those not only NOT lose weight, but actually GAIN it?????

Oh well, onwards and upwards. I can only assume the weight will come off.

Guess that's enough whining for now.

Later....

Had my husband hide the scale

I was getting so freaked out by my not losing. I was making myself absolutely crazy. I finally asked my hubby to hide the scale. I feel so much better now.

Of course.... I can weigh myself on the Wii. But..... if I do that I HAVE to exercise. That is the "deal" I made with myself. It's working so far. Also, the Wii shows I have lost 3 pounds in the last 6 days. I'll take it!!!! ;))

Tomorrow I get to switch to "real" foods. It will be nice to eat things with a bit more substance, though I will have to be more careful with my chewing.

Had a major dumping issue last night. I did it to myself. I ate something knowing I would dump. I was concerned I would be one of those people who don't so I wanted to.... just didn't realize how bad it would be. Took my daughter to a birthday party yesterday. I had 2 very small slices of pizza (probably not equal to one "normal" piece). Also had most of a piece of cake. Plus extra frosting. Figured if I was gonna get sick I might as well make it worth my while.

It so wasn't worth it.

I felt like passing out, my stomach hurt, my head hurt. Then I had to run to the bathroom. Let's just say if I didn't know better I'd think those 3 pounds I lost this week were all from yesterday. If ya get my drift??? Felt gassy all night. Took 2 Immodium and 2 stool softeners together. My body is going to be sooooo confused ;)))

Guess that's all for now. Back at ya soon.

Later....

Not happy

So..... My fifth week and I lost... Nothing. Nada. None. Yup, a big goose egg. I am so very unhappy about this. I have been following what I should do. I have not eaten anything I shouldn't. I have exercised (as much as my feeling so crappy will allow). I have constantly stressed over every bite I have put in my mouth. I have charted. I have drunk all my water.

Guess I just gotta stop stressing over the weight. I have to believe it will come off. While this is so much more easier said that done, I will try.

It'll happen when it happens... right???

That's about it for today, just wanted to whine a bit.

Later....

Went to see the nurse yesterday

My first post op appointment other than drain removal, isn't until 3 months (how crazy is that??) I went to the surgeon at 1 week to get my drain out, but after that it is 3 months.

Anyway, still not feeling well. Same as always... when I stand for any length of time I feel like I'm going to pass out. My head gets swimmy and hot, my chest gets tight and I get a bit short of breath.

And..... my tounge itches.

I googled tounge itching and vitamins and came up with B12 deficiency. I called the insurance co/bariatrics department yesterday and spoke to a nurse. I had told her a week and a half ago I wasn't feeling well. I told her I'm no better, also about my itchy tounge (just sounds so funny every time I say or type that). She told me they wanted me to come in.

I explained to the nurse I saw that this is normal for me. Any time I don't get enough calories for any length of time (even 2-3 days) I get this way. I spent an entire pregnancy this way. Wasn't hungry, lost 42 pounds.

She ordered a whole bunch of blood tests on me. They were all ordered STAT and I haven't heard back yet, so assuming all is well.

They did some blood pressures on me. Laying, sitting and standing. They steadily went down while my heart rate went up. My sitting was 129/82 with a heat rate of 72. My standing was 109/70 with a heart rate of 133!!!! Natalie (the nurse) feels that is is my BP meds doing this and told me to stop taking them. She figures I'll be fine by tomorrow. I doubt it. I suspect I am going to have to just tough it out for a couple more weeks when I get more calories. I am at week 4, at week 6 I will be going up from 500 cals a day to 1,000.

Pretty sure I'll survive til then ;))

Later...

Week 3, Only 2 pounds. Really????

Hate to be a whiner here, but How the heck can someone eat less than 500 calories a day and not drop off the weight?? It's been 3 weeks since my surgery and I've only lost 10 pounds. I know they say that if you have a revision from one surgery to another you lose slower/less (though my surgeon says this isn't so). But still... this is ridiculous. I had 10 months between surgeries. Figured my body had plenty of time to "bounce back".

I am feeling like heck. So weak I can barely stand for any length of time (we are talking here like more that 30 seconds or so). My head gets fuzzy, my heart pounds and my chest hurts. Feel like I'm gonna pass out.

Just want to feel better. I have 2 more weeks of this very limited intake, then I will be converting to solid foods (on soft foods now) and more calories. Hopefully I will feel better then.

Oh well. Enough whining for now.

Later.....

Been hitting the bike

.... Thankfully it hasn't hit back yet ;)


Been riding the stationary bike 15 minutes 2 times a day. As exercise goes, it's a start. Would like to ultimately get my own bike to ride outside, but for now this one is getting the job done (not to mention I need to be in much better shape to ride outside on the hills here).

Time to exercise.

Later....

Happy New Year

Hoping everyone a wonderful new year.

This past year has been kind of crazy. I have had 3 fairly large surgeries. My band removal in February, a knee replacement in July and the bypass in December.

Lost my grandmother and my good friend Renee's husband, Paul. Rest in Peace, you two.

Looking forward to a happy, thinner 2012.

Happy New Year!!!!

Later....

Doing well

Been enjoying my 2T of food at a time, though I am still a bit hungry after eating. Got my drain out and was not all that happy about my loss since I saw the surgeon... 15 pounds. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but....... 2 of the people I was in class and the hospital were there, and they lost more (25 and 30 pounds). Makes me feel behind. I have been doing everything right, so there is no real reason to feel this way. Just my own competitive nature.

I have been feeling too week to exercise, but once I get done posting this I am going to get on the exercise bike. Think I'll start with 10 minutes. As long as I don't pass out I will do another 10 in a couple hours. Would like to work up to 30 minutes of continuous exercise. Also gonna break out the Wii fit.

The surgeon told me he figures that by summer I will be in the 100's. I can't imagine that. Me?? in the 100's???? I think the last time I was in the 100's was junior high!!! What a rush that will be.

Just need to keep on keeping on.

Later...

Surviving

Well, it's been a week since my surgery. Starting to feel better, the pain is almost gone. The surgery went well, the doctor said the bypass portion went well, but the old hernia mesh left some major scar tissue, and he had some issues with working around that.

I spent 2 might in the hospital and came home with LOTS of pain killers. I think someone made a mistake. I have the feeling I was not supposed to get 200 dilaudid. They will last me for years, since I have not taken any in over 24 hours.

I am a little dissapointd, I have only lost about 4 pounds since surgery (of course, I gained back the 7 pounds I lost on the pre surgical diet while in the hospital) So all in all I am down 11 pounds since my 3 day pre-diet.

Today I get to start eating a bit!!! I can have 2 Tablespoons of cream soup, or mashed potatoes, yogurt or pudding. Yayyyyy.. real food. I am supposed to have 5 meals today. I can also have 4 oz of a protein drink or something along those lines. I had 4 oz of sugar free Carnation instant drink this morning. I have been a bit hungry on occasion, but nothing major. The difficult thing for me is going to be getting in all my water (this was an issue with my band too) It is hard to get in water a couple ounces at a time and drink a full 64 ounces!! Just have to do what I can.

That's about it foe now, will post more soon.

Later....

one and a half days down

Well, started my clear liquids diet yesterday. Lived through it!!! All I had yesterday was about 2 quarts if strawberry flavored kool-Aid, half a can of french onion soup broth and one sugar free popsicle.

Getting anxious (and scared) about my surgery. I keep having this thought of "maybe I shouldn't do this" I know this is normal, just didn't expect to have it this strongly this time.

2 days left......

7 days left

I am going in next Tuesday. Kind of nervous and scared, very excited. My white blood count went down to normal. Yayyyy. It was 8.8 Friday. Gonna keep taking my antibiotic, hopefully I will stay normal ;)

Been buying all the "stuff" I need. Broths, different flavor waters, vitamins, slippers, etc. Have to do a 3 day clear liquid diet. Yummy. Guess I will be feeling "hangry" for a couple of days. I love that term hungry + angry = hangry. Yep.... that's what I'll be.

Later...

I'm on my way......

Went to my class Monday morning. When I got there I found out that we were going to run a bit longer and only have the one class. Yayyyyy... since I have not heard from the jury commissioner that takes a lot off my mind.

Went for my pre op last week. Got a call back saying my white count was too high, and she wanted me to get it re-checked. Went in for another draw and it was even higher!! Great. I have an infection. The only problem is I feel OK. The nurse who called me told me she wanted me to see my doctor ASAP. I told her I would try to get in to see someone at the medical office I was at, as I was just finishing my morning class and had 6 hours til my evening class. She told me OK, but she wanted me to see a doctor... not a PA, not a nurse.... a MD. So.... I went and asked and they said the only person I could see was a nurse (after explaining to them that I felt fine but had an elevated white count). So, I saw the nurse. After I told her what was going on, she said I needed to see a doctor. Duh. She made an appointment for me to see one of the doctors there in 4 hours.

Went out to lunch with a friend and came back to see doctor. We went over my tests and symptoms (or lack thereof) I asked him for an antibiotic, he told me no. I asked again.... he told me no. He told me he couldn't give me one, since I didn't have an infection. Hello???? Normal white count is 4.5-11, I was 11.2 on Wednesday and 14.1 on Friday. I'd say I have an infection. He told me we could do another test in a week or so. I asked for it that day (Monday). He told me we could do one on Friday. I asked for that day. Finally he relented and ordered one. STAT.

His nurse called the next day and said my count had dropped a bit (to 13.4). I found this encouraging (especially since this doctor told me this could be an indication of leukemia). I had some antibiotics left over from after my band removal. I started myself on those. I am going back for another test on Friday. Hoping I will be down into the normal range again. I am SO afraid something is going to mess up this surgery.

So...assuming I don't have cancer and my white count behaves itself 12 days and counting.

Later.....

Still waiting......

Have not heard back yet form the jury commissioner. Been getting kind of nervous. I am scheduled 2 weeks from Tuesday. I sent an email to the woman at the insurance company who does all the scheduling, asking her if we can put a "Plan B" in place, since I may not know if I need to report until the last minute. This was last Monday. Haven't heard back from her either. I am just batting a thousand here, huh?

It is 2 AM right now. Can't sleep, and I have to be up in about 4 1/2 hours. I have my first food class today from 8:30-10, and my last pre-op class from 4:30-6.

Went for my pre-op physical and to meet the surgeon (though we had already met, as he removed my band) last Wednesday. Got a call saying my white count was elevated. I went back on Friday for more blood and a urine test. Just got my results today. My count is even higher, and it looks, to my untrained eye reading the results, that I have a urinary tract infection. Hopefully that's all it is and I can be easily cured.

Will post back after my classes tomorrow.

Later...

No answer yet

Still waiting to hear from the jury commissioner. Sent an email asking for a postponement, but no reply yet. Guess if I don't hear anything I'm just going to assume I got the postponement.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!!

A crazy rocky road

So..... It took me nearly 9 months to get to the top of my insurance companies list for surgery. I had my band removed in Feb. I was not able to apply for the surgery until March (I had to gain about 10 pounds to get my BMI over 40). Anyway, I sent in my application and got approved, then just had to wait, wait, wait. (All the while being absolutley miserable with the condition left behind by my eroded band).

I bought plane tickets for Kayleigh and I to go home for Thanksgiving. I then decided "Hmmm, I better call Kaiser (my insurance) to see where I am on "the list". I was told, "Oh, you're at the top, I can start making your appointments now while I have you on the phone" And let me tell you, there are a LOT of appointments.

So... I cancelled our trip (luckily I had fully refundable tickets). Since I knew I would have all these appointments to keep, and all these hoops to jump through.

I had to do a 6 week pre-surgery class. Really did not feel I need it, since I've been through all this before, but it's "a requirement"

I also found out I have a 30% co-pay. This is going to be around $7-10K, assuming the surgery is "uncomplicated".

I'm now half way through my 6 classes. Class 4 is tomorrow. Went last week for blood testing (vitamins, minerals, blood sugar and such). Also saw the nurse practioner in charge of the program and saw the psychologist for the 2nd time. This is when they scheduled my surgery and gave me the list of my other appointments.

I have a diet class on the morning of the th and 12th. I have my last pre-surgical class on the evening of the 5th. It is about a half hour each way, so I tend to leave an hour early, I am afraid to be late, since I was warned about their strict attendance policy. I have a pre-surgical appointment Nov 30, as well as a appointment with the surgeon that day. Then surgery the 20th.

Now for the spanner in the works...... Back in July I got a jury summons. I called and got it deferred, since I was scheduled to have my knee replaced. Yesterday I got another one. For the 12th.. Just freakin great. Have to call tomorrow and see if I can get it deferred again. I doubt they will do it. If not, I have to call the insurance company and ask if I can do my second food class at a different time. Perhaps they'll let me meet with the dietician as a regular appointment, as opposed to a class. Again, I really don't think I need this, as it is old news to me. But again..... rules are rules, I guess.

The thing in all of this I am most upset about is the money issue. Even though my band caused me a condition that can only be cured by a bypass it is still considered elective and I am going to have to pay for the co-pay. Hmmmm, nearly 10K for the band, and now at least 7K for this??? Then plastic surgery (which I will absolutley need) later on. Maybe I should insure my body with LLoyds of London?? I'll have put enough money into it.

Anyway, I'll post tomorrow when I find out what can be done about my appointment/jury duty quandry.

Later....

Got my date

Got my date for my bypass. yayyy, About time. It is December 20 @ 3PM. Merry Christmas to me. Hope I am up to doing the "Santa thing" for Kayleigh.